My All

B,

From silence I gather myself,

Accepting I may never hear from you again.

Kisses last sent my only company,

Memories filling my nights with dreams.

Content with the times we had,

Happy because I gave you my all

Then in an instant – you are back…

In the most surprising of ways

I’m in shock

My body paralyzed to the core

My world rocked….

For you – you my love

You

Have declared your love for me….

A love you always denied,

Because it can never be

But the words –

You could be singing this song straight to my heart.

I’m so broken right now…

I want to run…. to run from you… run from these feelings

Yet, run to you…. to hold you….

My world has fallen at my feet

And taken me with it

My very foundations shaking

Guilt, fear, love, beauty,

What has always been, is now no more – and

All the while… a small voice shouts from deep within

He loves you!  He really does love you!

I love you too B.

Its always about you. xx

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I Need You

How are you today?  I missed you.  The problem with having extra of you means the absence is stronger when you are silent.

I wish I could talk to you every day.

I wonder how your day has gone.  I wonder what you are doing.

Are you thinking of me too?   Do you look at the stars and wish you could hold me?  Do you dream of having me close?

Sometimes the  distance tears me apart.  I’m no closer and no further away from you than I was three years ago.

You are still the one.  The one I need to quit thinking about.  The one I need to quit loving.

But I need you B.  I need all of you.  Every morsel.  Every moment.  Every day.  I love you B.  I missed you today.

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My B.

Sometimes there are moments of perfection in our lives.  Because of circumstance we often find ourselves in a lonely place… and it is here we meet.  It is here we find a solace together.

Talking and listening.  Sharing and engaging.  There is a depth, a warmth.  It is two people who truly know each other.  Whose hearts are in touch and lives are entwined.  It’s two people who can discuss the issues and lighten it with laughter.  It’s two people who can feel the warmth from 3000 miles away and embrace the distance at the same time.

This is what makes us special.  We never gave up.  We never gave in.  We burned with desire and now we simmer with a longing we can never fulfill.  Yet through it all we have the most beautiful thing.

Friendship.  Deep, loving, and beautiful.

We go through all sorts of seasons, but this one I love the best.  And you B.  I love you. ❤️

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B. My Hero

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This is you B.

My hero.

My safe place.

My escape.

My rock.

My supporter.

My friend.

My lover.

My hiding place.

Oh to feel your arms around me once again.

To feel as though nothing and no one can ever hurt me.

To feel your heart beat against mine.

To feel your hands on my body.

I wonder – will there ever come a time when I don’t swoon at your voice?  Where I don’t respond physically to every letter you type?  Will there ever be a time where I realise that I lovED you instead of loving you still?

It’s always you B.  For almost ten years, it’s always been about you.  My love grows stronger, more solid.  Deeper. And still I stand in awe.  And still I get nervous.  And still I have butterflies in my stomach.

I may die loving you…. and I will have no regrets.

Its about you B, because I love you.

 

 

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Letting Go…

let go

I often wonder why I can’t let you go.

Why I still have contact with you when I know it is over.

Why I still reach out to you…long for you… love you when it is impossible for us to be together.

Perhaps it is because you changed my life.  Forever.  In so many ways it isn’t even explainable.

Perhaps it is because you are my security.  You are my friend.  You are my rock.

Perhaps it is because you are the only man I have ever trusted completely.

Maybe it is the history we share, and the familiarity.  Maybe it is the fact that I hear in you occasionally a longing to see me too.

But more than that….

I don’t let go… I can’t let go…

Because…

In letting go,

I feel as though I am saying our time together meant nothing.

That what we had is dead.

And I can’t cope with that.  It makes us like every other couple that experience the same thing.  It makes us a mistake.  A bad decision.  It makes us something horrible, when what we had was in fact something so incredibly good.

So I hold on, because in holding on, I keep ‘us’.  The ‘us’ that can never be.  The ‘us’ that is forever changed.  The ‘us’ that was two amazing people, in love.

How do you let go when he beckons with every beat of your heart?

How do you let go when you are letting go of everything that holds you together?

I wish I knew the answer…. until I do –  I will continue to hold you in the depths of my soul.

My treasured love.

Its always about you B. ❤

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