I Need You

How are you today?  I missed you.  The problem with having extra of you means the absence is stronger when you are silent.

I wish I could talk to you every day.

I wonder how your day has gone.  I wonder what you are doing.

Are you thinking of me too?   Do you look at the stars and wish you could hold me?  Do you dream of having me close?

Sometimes the  distance tears me apart.  I’m no closer and no further away from you than I was three years ago.

You are still the one.  The one I need to quit thinking about.  The one I need to quit loving.

But I need you B.  I need all of you.  Every morsel.  Every moment.  Every day.  I love you B.  I missed you today.

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Girl On A Train

Oh B. Sometimes I get the sweetest of messages from you.  Like yesterday when you were on the train and saw a girl that looked like me.

Your words ‘it took my breath away’ are treasures to my ears.  Why?  Because so many years later and still the thought of being face to face with me makes time stand still for you.  I can still captivate you by being in your presence.

Oh B.  The moments we have shared.  They are treasures. I wish I was the girl on the train, but I always remain thankful for the moments that have taken our breath away 🙂

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Merry Christmas B

img_1924Another year is almost done.  I ask myself why I still long for you.  Why I love you more than you love me?

There are no answers.  It’s just life.  We planned to talk before the week was out and now we won’t.  Our life is reduced to a text message.  A freaking text message.

My heart hurts again. And again. The pain of loving you from afar.  From wanting you in my arms.  From wanting YOU.

When will I accept it’s over? How can I accept what will never be?  I don’t know.

I guess the good thing is that I live my life and no one would ever know my heart is still broken.  It’s my secret.  My secret life.

And so I celebrate.  A year of great friendship and I mourn a life that can never be.

The one consistent – I love you B.  Now and forever.  I love you till it hurts and I will love you if the world falls off its axis.

The best gift I have ever had was your love for me and my love for you.

Even in this season it’s all about you.

Merry Christmas B.  I love you now and forever.

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A Decade of Dancing to the Beat of your Heart

Ten years ago I wasn’t thinking of you.

You were merely a memory.  A man who was once part of my life in the strangest possible way.

Until that one day…. the day I was trying to get rid of my demons… the day that saw me look you up.  The day that saw me send you a message.  The day that you replied.

And then I fell.  Oh, I flew off the cliff of what was and hurtled towards the promise of a new tomorrow.  That promise included you in my life… I fell into you.. I fell with arms open, a heart, once scarred, fell as far as the eye could see…Believing every promise, believing every inflated desire of my heart.. I embraced you.  I believed you were perfect.  You were honourable.  You were without fault… you breathed life and love into my hurting heart.

Oh B… I fell for you like none other… you were my world and I lived in my happy bubble of you and your love for me…….

Most of all I felt like I was soaring.  Far above the clouds.  I lived my life in a world where nothing could hurt me because everything was based in the fantasy of my mind.

The trouble with soaring and flying is that eventually you land back on earth, one way or the other… and land I did.  For a time I thought the earth would swallow me up.  I thought that I would never escape the clutches of the earth… I could have stayed there.. I could have stayed hollow and empty… but I knew I had to claw my way out.

So I did.  One painful day at a time.  One tiny step after another… I crawled, I cried, I screamed.. I almost died because the pain was so much to bear….One tiny step.  One.  One.  One.  One.

Every time I took a step I had to fight to stay there. I had to reach for the light when the darkness threatened to overwhelm me.  I had to catch a glimmer of hope wherever that hope was… enough to hold on.  Enough not to run back to you…

And now… three years later… my world is different.  There is a part of me that remains like death… broken… unable to feel… unable to respond to the love in front of me because my hearts wants the love that was.  That still is.

For the most part contentedness remains.  Contentedness that you are where you are suppose to be, and I am where I am suppose to be.

Ironically, unlike so many who have gone before us, our friendship remains.  A friendship where lines will not be crossed, a friendship where laughter is present and feelings are deep.  A friendship that so often reminds me I am alive.  That I should embrace tomorrow.

But is it wrong that I want that tomorrow to include you?  Is it wrong I long to sit with you and talk?  Is it wrong my heart still beats fast at the sound of your name?  For a decade I have danced to the beat of your heart…. There has been decadence and devastation in many areas of our lives.  A path we have walked together.  A path we still walk.  A deep love.  More that physical, more than casual, a deepness.  A marriage of minds, of hearts, rooted in trust, and belonging.

Most days I’m fine…. and then you invade my dreams, and I’m reminded that the dancing has never stopped… it has just been quietened..

For now.

Its always about you B.

 

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8 years….

Tomorrow marks 8 years since my mother died.  I miss her, I do…. But even that reminds me of you.

We were meant to meet up that night.  We were supposed to make out.  We were supposed to talk.

Oh we did..  It just ended up being put off by a week.  And it was beautiful.  You were beautiful.  I was so nervous.  And you held me and placed your lips on mine as you laid me on that bed and brought years of longing into that first kiss.

It was three hours before you had to leave. And now, even now… My hurt over my mommas death is dulled because of the wonderful memories the week later.

You whispered words that touched my soul.  I drank in the sight of the only man I have ever been able to trust with my heart.   Those moments were more precious than I can ever put into words, more special than my tongue can tell and more beautiful than I could ever behold.

I love you B. Still now.  Every day. I first fell in love with your voice and then I fell in love with your soul. No one can replace you.  No one can bring me such joy or such heartache.

I move on without you.  Yet every moment, every memory, brings me back to you.

It’s always about you B.

I love you.

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My Beating Heart

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My beating heart calls out…asking if you are near?  My mind whispers in the wind to you, always good thoughts… thoughts of welcome, thoughts of home.

You touched a piece of me that is now captivated… by your touch, by your lips, by your strength.

My beating heart calls out to you…. it begs you to hear.  Like windswept waves, it tries to carry far enough to touch you… but you, you are just out of its grasp.

And so, my beating heart slows as it shreds once again… for you are there, yet so unreachable… when you are reachable, you are unattainable…

At every turn, reminders of you…. reminders of yesterdays, yet no tomorrows…. reminders of words whispered, of love like no other….

Reminders of loss….

My beating heart keeps bleeding even when I will it not to…

You are all around me… my soul feels you in every breath…

I ache.  For you B.  My soul aches with every beat.

If I could have you back for just one more day… would it ever be enough?

I love you B.  Its always about you.  My heart beats because you whispered to its depths.

x

 

 

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