I Need You

How are you today?  I missed you.  The problem with having extra of you means the absence is stronger when you are silent.

I wish I could talk to you every day.

I wonder how your day has gone.  I wonder what you are doing.

Are you thinking of me too?   Do you look at the stars and wish you could hold me?  Do you dream of having me close?

Sometimes the  distance tears me apart.  I’m no closer and no further away from you than I was three years ago.

You are still the one.  The one I need to quit thinking about.  The one I need to quit loving.

But I need you B.  I need all of you.  Every morsel.  Every moment.  Every day.  I love you B.  I missed you today.

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“I Love You”

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I don’t dream of you that often anymore.

But last night I did.

Last night I got to hold you in my arms one more time.

Last night I got to feel your breath on my neck.

For some reason in my dream you were chasing me,

Laughter rippling from your lips

As I fell against the car face down, you circled me with your arms,

You held me captive,

Teasing me with the subtle smell of ‘you’,

Chuckling as your lips tried to get closer to mine

The hairs on my neck standing on end with anticipation of your touch,

Your length trapping me, as you leaned in close to my ear,

And whispered those words I’ve always longed to hear…

‘I love you’

‘I love you’……

My life, in my dreams at least, is complete.

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Letting Go…

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I often wonder why I can’t let you go.

Why I still have contact with you when I know it is over.

Why I still reach out to you…long for you… love you when it is impossible for us to be together.

Perhaps it is because you changed my life.  Forever.  In so many ways it isn’t even explainable.

Perhaps it is because you are my security.  You are my friend.  You are my rock.

Perhaps it is because you are the only man I have ever trusted completely.

Maybe it is the history we share, and the familiarity.  Maybe it is the fact that I hear in you occasionally a longing to see me too.

But more than that….

I don’t let go… I can’t let go…

Because…

In letting go,

I feel as though I am saying our time together meant nothing.

That what we had is dead.

And I can’t cope with that.  It makes us like every other couple that experience the same thing.  It makes us a mistake.  A bad decision.  It makes us something horrible, when what we had was in fact something so incredibly good.

So I hold on, because in holding on, I keep ‘us’.  The ‘us’ that can never be.  The ‘us’ that is forever changed.  The ‘us’ that was two amazing people, in love.

How do you let go when he beckons with every beat of your heart?

How do you let go when you are letting go of everything that holds you together?

I wish I knew the answer…. until I do –  I will continue to hold you in the depths of my soul.

My treasured love.

Its always about you B. ❤

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I Miss You

Hey B,

I miss you.  I miss what we had.  I miss you wanting me.  I miss our friendship. I miss your love.  I miss seeing you.  Holding you. Touching you.  I miss making love to you.

I miss the passion we had.  I miss the way you could throw me around the bed.  I miss looking into your eyes.  I miss getting lost in your embrace.

In all my years there has only ever been one man who has known me like you.  One man who touched my soul and lit my heart on fire.

I miss you every day.  And when I dream of you the pain is greater.  I wish I could tell you how much I miss you, but I can’t.  I can only hope you message me one day.

Its always about you B.  I will always love you.  There will never be anyone who takes your place.

I love you now and always.

💙❤️

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If Actions Speak Louder…

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If actions speak louder than words….

Then I care.

And you don’t.

I am your friend.

But you aren’t mine.

I value time and people.

You value money and only one or two.

So why do I bother?  Why do I try?

I don’t want to be here at all if you don’t want me here.

I don’t want to hurt any more.

But why can’t I let go?

Why can’t I just let you be a part of my past and not of my future.

Its simple really.

My mind plays tricks.

It tricks me into thinking I love you still.

Slowly that love is turning into loved.

Its always about you though B.  No matter how hard I try to move on.

So instead I stay.  Stuck in never never land.

~sigh~

 

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8 years….

Tomorrow marks 8 years since my mother died.  I miss her, I do…. But even that reminds me of you.

We were meant to meet up that night.  We were supposed to make out.  We were supposed to talk.

Oh we did..  It just ended up being put off by a week.  And it was beautiful.  You were beautiful.  I was so nervous.  And you held me and placed your lips on mine as you laid me on that bed and brought years of longing into that first kiss.

It was three hours before you had to leave. And now, even now… My hurt over my mommas death is dulled because of the wonderful memories the week later.

You whispered words that touched my soul.  I drank in the sight of the only man I have ever been able to trust with my heart.   Those moments were more precious than I can ever put into words, more special than my tongue can tell and more beautiful than I could ever behold.

I love you B. Still now.  Every day. I first fell in love with your voice and then I fell in love with your soul. No one can replace you.  No one can bring me such joy or such heartache.

I move on without you.  Yet every moment, every memory, brings me back to you.

It’s always about you B.

I love you.

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My Beating Heart

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My beating heart calls out…asking if you are near?  My mind whispers in the wind to you, always good thoughts… thoughts of welcome, thoughts of home.

You touched a piece of me that is now captivated… by your touch, by your lips, by your strength.

My beating heart calls out to you…. it begs you to hear.  Like windswept waves, it tries to carry far enough to touch you… but you, you are just out of its grasp.

And so, my beating heart slows as it shreds once again… for you are there, yet so unreachable… when you are reachable, you are unattainable…

At every turn, reminders of you…. reminders of yesterdays, yet no tomorrows…. reminders of words whispered, of love like no other….

Reminders of loss….

My beating heart keeps bleeding even when I will it not to…

You are all around me… my soul feels you in every breath…

I ache.  For you B.  My soul aches with every beat.

If I could have you back for just one more day… would it ever be enough?

I love you B.  Its always about you.  My heart beats because you whispered to its depths.

x

 

 

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