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B. My forever love.

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Welcome Home

Dear B,

I’m thinking of you.

A new year, and for you its a lot of letting go.  Saying goodbye to your old way of life, and saying hello to a new one.  Its always sad when we have to let go and trust that everything will be ok.  When someone we love is going to be many miles away.

I haven’t chatted with you for over a month, but as you fly out of where you are today, know you are in my thoughts.  You are in my mind.

And when you leave your home, to come back to your other home….I will be here.  In the wings.  I will support you, I will be your best friend, you can come sit with me.  I will love you..through my lenses, from far away.. but I will give you everything you need to adjust, because love will always find a way.

I love you B.  Welcome home.

friends

 

 

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Merry Christmas B

img_1924Another year is almost done.  I ask myself why I still long for you.  Why I love you more than you love me?

There are no answers.  It’s just life.  We planned to talk before the week was out and now we won’t.  Our life is reduced to a text message.  A freaking text message.

My heart hurts again. And again. The pain of loving you from afar.  From wanting you in my arms.  From wanting YOU.

When will I accept it’s over? How can I accept what will never be?  I don’t know.

I guess the good thing is that I live my life and no one would ever know my heart is still broken.  It’s my secret.  My secret life.

And so I celebrate.  A year of great friendship and I mourn a life that can never be.

The one consistent – I love you B.  Now and forever.  I love you till it hurts and I will love you if the world falls off its axis.

The best gift I have ever had was your love for me and my love for you.

Even in this season it’s all about you.

Merry Christmas B.  I love you now and forever.

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“I Love You”

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I don’t dream of you that often anymore.

But last night I did.

Last night I got to hold you in my arms one more time.

Last night I got to feel your breath on my neck.

For some reason in my dream you were chasing me,

Laughter rippling from your lips

As I fell against the car face down, you circled me with your arms,

You held me captive,

Teasing me with the subtle smell of ‘you’,

Chuckling as your lips tried to get closer to mine

The hairs on my neck standing on end with anticipation of your touch,

Your length trapping me, as you leaned in close to my ear,

And whispered those words I’ve always longed to hear…

‘I love you’

‘I love you’……

My life, in my dreams at least, is complete.

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8 years….

Tomorrow marks 8 years since my mother died.  I miss her, I do…. But even that reminds me of you.

We were meant to meet up that night.  We were supposed to make out.  We were supposed to talk.

Oh we did..  It just ended up being put off by a week.  And it was beautiful.  You were beautiful.  I was so nervous.  And you held me and placed your lips on mine as you laid me on that bed and brought years of longing into that first kiss.

It was three hours before you had to leave. And now, even now… My hurt over my mommas death is dulled because of the wonderful memories the week later.

You whispered words that touched my soul.  I drank in the sight of the only man I have ever been able to trust with my heart.   Those moments were more precious than I can ever put into words, more special than my tongue can tell and more beautiful than I could ever behold.

I love you B. Still now.  Every day. I first fell in love with your voice and then I fell in love with your soul. No one can replace you.  No one can bring me such joy or such heartache.

I move on without you.  Yet every moment, every memory, brings me back to you.

It’s always about you B.

I love you.

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My Beating Heart

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My beating heart calls out…asking if you are near?  My mind whispers in the wind to you, always good thoughts… thoughts of welcome, thoughts of home.

You touched a piece of me that is now captivated… by your touch, by your lips, by your strength.

My beating heart calls out to you…. it begs you to hear.  Like windswept waves, it tries to carry far enough to touch you… but you, you are just out of its grasp.

And so, my beating heart slows as it shreds once again… for you are there, yet so unreachable… when you are reachable, you are unattainable…

At every turn, reminders of you…. reminders of yesterdays, yet no tomorrows…. reminders of words whispered, of love like no other….

Reminders of loss….

My beating heart keeps bleeding even when I will it not to…

You are all around me… my soul feels you in every breath…

I ache.  For you B.  My soul aches with every beat.

If I could have you back for just one more day… would it ever be enough?

I love you B.  Its always about you.  My heart beats because you whispered to its depths.

x

 

 

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Happy New Year

You wish me a Happy New Year, and happiness.  Did you know I was in a deep dream about you when you wrote it?  Did you hear me whispering your name?  Did you feel me touching your heart and breathing you in, losing myself in the depth of your eyes?  Did you know?  Did you feel me as strongly as I was feeling your presence?

My happiness is complete in you.  It always has been.  In the moments we are together I am the most honest and true and happy that I have ever been.

In you I find freedom.  And love.  And contentment.  In those stolen minutes I found a man who gave to me without restraint.  I found a man who touched not just my body, but my soul.

I found a man who loved me when I couldn’t see it, and a man who I let go for the greater good.

But it’s all about you B.  I am who I am because of you.  I miss you.  And I long to be with you.  To hold you.  To touch you.

But you aren’t mine to have.  So I settle for a friendship. Sometimes my heart wants to curl up and die a thousand painful deaths.  Sometimes it wants to explode with the love it holds for you.

So thank you for your New Year wishes.  I will do as I said, and as the fireworks go off, I will blow a wish your way, and say a quiet thank you for all you are, for having in my life even if I can’t openly love you, and I will fall asleep once more and dream a dream where I can be in your arms once more.

Happy New Year B.  It’s always about you.

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