My All

B,

From silence I gather myself,

Accepting I may never hear from you again.

Kisses last sent my only company,

Memories filling my nights with dreams.

Content with the times we had,

Happy because I gave you my all

Then in an instant – you are back…

In the most surprising of ways

I’m in shock

My body paralyzed to the core

My world rocked….

For you – you my love

You

Have declared your love for me….

A love you always denied,

Because it can never be

But the words –

You could be singing this song straight to my heart.

I’m so broken right now…

I want to run…. to run from you… run from these feelings

Yet, run to you…. to hold you….

My world has fallen at my feet

And taken me with it

My very foundations shaking

Guilt, fear, love, beauty,

What has always been, is now no more – and

All the while… a small voice shouts from deep within

He loves you!  He really does love you!

I love you too B.

Its always about you. xx

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I Need You

How are you today?  I missed you.  The problem with having extra of you means the absence is stronger when you are silent.

I wish I could talk to you every day.

I wonder how your day has gone.  I wonder what you are doing.

Are you thinking of me too?   Do you look at the stars and wish you could hold me?  Do you dream of having me close?

Sometimes the  distance tears me apart.  I’m no closer and no further away from you than I was three years ago.

You are still the one.  The one I need to quit thinking about.  The one I need to quit loving.

But I need you B.  I need all of you.  Every morsel.  Every moment.  Every day.  I love you B.  I missed you today.

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Girl On A Train

Oh B. Sometimes I get the sweetest of messages from you.  Like yesterday when you were on the train and saw a girl that looked like me.

Your words ‘it took my breath away’ are treasures to my ears.  Why?  Because so many years later and still the thought of being face to face with me makes time stand still for you.  I can still captivate you by being in your presence.

Oh B.  The moments we have shared.  They are treasures. I wish I was the girl on the train, but I always remain thankful for the moments that have taken our breath away 🙂

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My B.

Sometimes there are moments of perfection in our lives.  Because of circumstance we often find ourselves in a lonely place… and it is here we meet.  It is here we find a solace together.

Talking and listening.  Sharing and engaging.  There is a depth, a warmth.  It is two people who truly know each other.  Whose hearts are in touch and lives are entwined.  It’s two people who can discuss the issues and lighten it with laughter.  It’s two people who can feel the warmth from 3000 miles away and embrace the distance at the same time.

This is what makes us special.  We never gave up.  We never gave in.  We burned with desire and now we simmer with a longing we can never fulfill.  Yet through it all we have the most beautiful thing.

Friendship.  Deep, loving, and beautiful.

We go through all sorts of seasons, but this one I love the best.  And you B.  I love you. ❤️

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Sitting in the push back…

I hate it when we fight.  I do B.  I think that sometimes you think I like it.  But I don’t.  I hate telling you things that hurt me because I end up here.  Sitting in the push back.  Navigating the silence.  Waiting till you want to engage again.

You say you don’t, but I’ve been here too many times, so I get it now.  I know you will come back.  I just have to be patient.  Sitting in the push back frays my nerves.  It wears me down.  I should walk away.  Yet I don’t.  Why?  I ask myself every time.  I deserve better.  I would tell anyone else to walk away…. and yet not me.  I even know the answer why.  It’s really quite simple.

In the push back I *feel*.  I am reminded I am alive.  I remember I have passion.  The tears slipping hotly down my cheeks remind me that somewhere deep down inside I haven’t lost myself entirely.  I’m still here.  Buried beneath the weight of daily life, ironically in the push back I feel more myself than ever before.

I like to think I am coping with life in general, but the truth is that I’m existing for most of it.  I no longer care about clothes or make up, or friends, or exercise.  I have and do these things on occasions, but its routine, boring, or too much effort.  I sound like a sack of sadness when I write here, but if you were in my real life you would never believe it was me that was writing these words.  Funny how we hide our ‘nothingness’.

When I lost you B, I let you take my heart with you.  To this day, you hold it in your hands.  When you smile, I smile.  When you are distant, I bleed.  When you are annoying, I am angry or frustrated.  When you laugh I laugh with you… when you talk, I listen and engage.  When you push me back, I hurt.  Three years.  For three years I have been trying to control how I feel, yet most of my life I feel nothing…… outside of you.

There is little love in my life.  There is little care or consideration.  There is no one to listen, and certainly not the ones that should.  There is little excitement, and little anticipation.

I’m hoping to book flights soon.  I need to see you this year.  I need to feel you.  To breathe you in.  To hold you and have you hold me.  To love you, and feel the love of you back. I need anticipation, purpose, and value.  The qualities you so easily and freely give when I am a breath away.  I’m scared because to be there means I must also leave.  And when I leave, the pain almost rips the breath out of my body.  There, the nothingness returns.

B.  You can give me the push back.  I’m ok with that.

The push back means there is still hope.  I am still alive deep inside.  Perhaps one day my heart will come back to me, and I will be whole once again.

Its always about you B.  I love you through the sun and through the rain.

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