I hate it when we fight. I do B. I think that sometimes you think I like it. But I don’t. I hate telling you things that hurt me because I end up here. Sitting in the push back. Navigating the silence. Waiting till you want to engage again.
You say you don’t, but I’ve been here too many times, so I get it now. I know you will come back. I just have to be patient. Sitting in the push back frays my nerves. It wears me down. I should walk away. Yet I don’t. Why? I ask myself every time. I deserve better. I would tell anyone else to walk away…. and yet not me. I even know the answer why. It’s really quite simple.
In the push back I *feel*. I am reminded I am alive. I remember I have passion. The tears slipping hotly down my cheeks remind me that somewhere deep down inside I haven’t lost myself entirely. I’m still here. Buried beneath the weight of daily life, ironically in the push back I feel more myself than ever before.
I like to think I am coping with life in general, but the truth is that I’m existing for most of it. I no longer care about clothes or make up, or friends, or exercise. I have and do these things on occasions, but its routine, boring, or too much effort. I sound like a sack of sadness when I write here, but if you were in my real life you would never believe it was me that was writing these words. Funny how we hide our ‘nothingness’.
When I lost you B, I let you take my heart with you. To this day, you hold it in your hands. When you smile, I smile. When you are distant, I bleed. When you are annoying, I am angry or frustrated. When you laugh I laugh with you… when you talk, I listen and engage. When you push me back, I hurt. Three years. For three years I have been trying to control how I feel, yet most of my life I feel nothing…… outside of you.
There is little love in my life. There is little care or consideration. There is no one to listen, and certainly not the ones that should. There is little excitement, and little anticipation.
I’m hoping to book flights soon. I need to see you this year. I need to feel you. To breathe you in. To hold you and have you hold me. To love you, and feel the love of you back. I need anticipation, purpose, and value. The qualities you so easily and freely give when I am a breath away. I’m scared because to be there means I must also leave. And when I leave, the pain almost rips the breath out of my body. There, the nothingness returns.
B. You can give me the push back. I’m ok with that.
The push back means there is still hope. I am still alive deep inside. Perhaps one day my heart will come back to me, and I will be whole once again.
Its always about you B. I love you through the sun and through the rain.
Do you know you are my world? My moods rise and fall to the beat of your drum… Through distance, time, and the years… ten years in fact… you have been the beat that keeps me moving forward.
And some days it hurts. Like when you forget ME. When you don’t make time for ME. To you, I’m sure you didn’t even remember. What should I expect after ten years and only one time you have remembered? But each year, I hold onto hope. I hold onto promise.
When you forget what is important to me, you aren’t forgetting an event, you are forgetting ME. The tears slide down my cheeks again because my heart is crushed. My soul is raw. No matter how many walls I try to build, you are already on the inside… and you destroy me in a matter of minutes.
And it hurts. OH how it hurts. The saddest part, is that if don’t remember it can only mean I am not important enough to you.
Oh, how I cry out to move on… to move away… to escape the pain. How I cry out again to hold on, to hold you close, to embrace the bliss.
Why must I love you so? Why can I just not let go? Why must my one true love be a heart wrenching roller coaster?
I love you B…. but love isn’t always enough…. 😦
I’m thinking of you.
A new year, and for you its a lot of letting go. Saying goodbye to your old way of life, and saying hello to a new one. Its always sad when we have to let go and trust that everything will be ok. When someone we love is going to be many miles away.
I haven’t chatted with you for over a month, but as you fly out of where you are today, know you are in my thoughts. You are in my mind.
And when you leave your home, to come back to your other home….I will be here. In the wings. I will support you, I will be your best friend, you can come sit with me. I will love you..through my lenses, from far away.. but I will give you everything you need to adjust, because love will always find a way.
I love you B. Welcome home.
Another year is almost done. I ask myself why I still long for you. Why I love you more than you love me?
There are no answers. It’s just life. We planned to talk before the week was out and now we won’t. Our life is reduced to a text message. A freaking text message.
My heart hurts again. And again. The pain of loving you from afar. From wanting you in my arms. From wanting YOU.
When will I accept it’s over? How can I accept what will never be? I don’t know.
I guess the good thing is that I live my life and no one would ever know my heart is still broken. It’s my secret. My secret life.
And so I celebrate. A year of great friendship and I mourn a life that can never be.
The one consistent – I love you B. Now and forever. I love you till it hurts and I will love you if the world falls off its axis.
The best gift I have ever had was your love for me and my love for you.
Even in this season it’s all about you.
Merry Christmas B. I love you now and forever.
Ten years ago I wasn’t thinking of you.
You were merely a memory. A man who was once part of my life in the strangest possible way.
Until that one day…. the day I was trying to get rid of my demons… the day that saw me look you up. The day that saw me send you a message. The day that you replied.
And then I fell. Oh, I flew off the cliff of what was and hurtled towards the promise of a new tomorrow. That promise included you in my life… I fell into you.. I fell with arms open, a heart, once scarred, fell as far as the eye could see…Believing every promise, believing every inflated desire of my heart.. I embraced you. I believed you were perfect. You were honourable. You were without fault… you breathed life and love into my hurting heart.
Oh B… I fell for you like none other… you were my world and I lived in my happy bubble of you and your love for me…….
Most of all I felt like I was soaring. Far above the clouds. I lived my life in a world where nothing could hurt me because everything was based in the fantasy of my mind.
The trouble with soaring and flying is that eventually you land back on earth, one way or the other… and land I did. For a time I thought the earth would swallow me up. I thought that I would never escape the clutches of the earth… I could have stayed there.. I could have stayed hollow and empty… but I knew I had to claw my way out.
So I did. One painful day at a time. One tiny step after another… I crawled, I cried, I screamed.. I almost died because the pain was so much to bear….One tiny step. One. One. One. One.
Every time I took a step I had to fight to stay there. I had to reach for the light when the darkness threatened to overwhelm me. I had to catch a glimmer of hope wherever that hope was… enough to hold on. Enough not to run back to you…
And now… three years later… my world is different. There is a part of me that remains like death… broken… unable to feel… unable to respond to the love in front of me because my hearts wants the love that was. That still is.
For the most part contentedness remains. Contentedness that you are where you are suppose to be, and I am where I am suppose to be.
Ironically, unlike so many who have gone before us, our friendship remains. A friendship where lines will not be crossed, a friendship where laughter is present and feelings are deep. A friendship that so often reminds me I am alive. That I should embrace tomorrow.
But is it wrong that I want that tomorrow to include you? Is it wrong I long to sit with you and talk? Is it wrong my heart still beats fast at the sound of your name? For a decade I have danced to the beat of your heart…. There has been decadence and devastation in many areas of our lives. A path we have walked together. A path we still walk. A deep love. More that physical, more than casual, a deepness. A marriage of minds, of hearts, rooted in trust, and belonging.
Most days I’m fine…. and then you invade my dreams, and I’m reminded that the dancing has never stopped… it has just been quietened..
Its always about you B.