Sitting in the push back…

I hate it when we fight.  I do B.  I think that sometimes you think I like it.  But I don’t.  I hate telling you things that hurt me because I end up here.  Sitting in the push back.  Navigating the silence.  Waiting till you want to engage again.

You say you don’t, but I’ve been here too many times, so I get it now.  I know you will come back.  I just have to be patient.  Sitting in the push back frays my nerves.  It wears me down.  I should walk away.  Yet I don’t.  Why?  I ask myself every time.  I deserve better.  I would tell anyone else to walk away…. and yet not me.  I even know the answer why.  It’s really quite simple.

In the push back I *feel*.  I am reminded I am alive.  I remember I have passion.  The tears slipping hotly down my cheeks remind me that somewhere deep down inside I haven’t lost myself entirely.  I’m still here.  Buried beneath the weight of daily life, ironically in the push back I feel more myself than ever before.

I like to think I am coping with life in general, but the truth is that I’m existing for most of it.  I no longer care about clothes or make up, or friends, or exercise.  I have and do these things on occasions, but its routine, boring, or too much effort.  I sound like a sack of sadness when I write here, but if you were in my real life you would never believe it was me that was writing these words.  Funny how we hide our ‘nothingness’.

When I lost you B, I let you take my heart with you.  To this day, you hold it in your hands.  When you smile, I smile.  When you are distant, I bleed.  When you are annoying, I am angry or frustrated.  When you laugh I laugh with you… when you talk, I listen and engage.  When you push me back, I hurt.  Three years.  For three years I have been trying to control how I feel, yet most of my life I feel nothing…… outside of you.

There is little love in my life.  There is little care or consideration.  There is no one to listen, and certainly not the ones that should.  There is little excitement, and little anticipation.

I’m hoping to book flights soon.  I need to see you this year.  I need to feel you.  To breathe you in.  To hold you and have you hold me.  To love you, and feel the love of you back. I need anticipation, purpose, and value.  The qualities you so easily and freely give when I am a breath away.  I’m scared because to be there means I must also leave.  And when I leave, the pain almost rips the breath out of my body.  There, the nothingness returns.

B.  You can give me the push back.  I’m ok with that.

The push back means there is still hope.  I am still alive deep inside.  Perhaps one day my heart will come back to me, and I will be whole once again.

Its always about you B.  I love you through the sun and through the rain.


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