Merry Christmas B

img_1924Another year is almost done.  I ask myself why I still long for you.  Why I love you more than you love me?

There are no answers.  It’s just life.  We planned to talk before the week was out and now we won’t.  Our life is reduced to a text message.  A freaking text message.

My heart hurts again. And again. The pain of loving you from afar.  From wanting you in my arms.  From wanting YOU.

When will I accept it’s over? How can I accept what will never be?  I don’t know.

I guess the good thing is that I live my life and no one would ever know my heart is still broken.  It’s my secret.  My secret life.

And so I celebrate.  A year of great friendship and I mourn a life that can never be.

The one consistent – I love you B.  Now and forever.  I love you till it hurts and I will love you if the world falls off its axis.

The best gift I have ever had was your love for me and my love for you.

Even in this season it’s all about you.

Merry Christmas B.  I love you now and forever.

Standard

A Decade of Dancing to the Beat of your Heart

Ten years ago I wasn’t thinking of you.

You were merely a memory.  A man who was once part of my life in the strangest possible way.

Until that one day…. the day I was trying to get rid of my demons… the day that saw me look you up.  The day that saw me send you a message.  The day that you replied.

And then I fell.  Oh, I flew off the cliff of what was and hurtled towards the promise of a new tomorrow.  That promise included you in my life… I fell into you.. I fell with arms open, a heart, once scarred, fell as far as the eye could see…Believing every promise, believing every inflated desire of my heart.. I embraced you.  I believed you were perfect.  You were honourable.  You were without fault… you breathed life and love into my hurting heart.

Oh B… I fell for you like none other… you were my world and I lived in my happy bubble of you and your love for me…….

Most of all I felt like I was soaring.  Far above the clouds.  I lived my life in a world where nothing could hurt me because everything was based in the fantasy of my mind.

The trouble with soaring and flying is that eventually you land back on earth, one way or the other… and land I did.  For a time I thought the earth would swallow me up.  I thought that I would never escape the clutches of the earth… I could have stayed there.. I could have stayed hollow and empty… but I knew I had to claw my way out.

So I did.  One painful day at a time.  One tiny step after another… I crawled, I cried, I screamed.. I almost died because the pain was so much to bear….One tiny step.  One.  One.  One.  One.

Every time I took a step I had to fight to stay there. I had to reach for the light when the darkness threatened to overwhelm me.  I had to catch a glimmer of hope wherever that hope was… enough to hold on.  Enough not to run back to you…

And now… three years later… my world is different.  There is a part of me that remains like death… broken… unable to feel… unable to respond to the love in front of me because my hearts wants the love that was.  That still is.

For the most part contentedness remains.  Contentedness that you are where you are suppose to be, and I am where I am suppose to be.

Ironically, unlike so many who have gone before us, our friendship remains.  A friendship where lines will not be crossed, a friendship where laughter is present and feelings are deep.  A friendship that so often reminds me I am alive.  That I should embrace tomorrow.

But is it wrong that I want that tomorrow to include you?  Is it wrong I long to sit with you and talk?  Is it wrong my heart still beats fast at the sound of your name?  For a decade I have danced to the beat of your heart…. There has been decadence and devastation in many areas of our lives.  A path we have walked together.  A path we still walk.  A deep love.  More that physical, more than casual, a deepness.  A marriage of minds, of hearts, rooted in trust, and belonging.

Most days I’m fine…. and then you invade my dreams, and I’m reminded that the dancing has never stopped… it has just been quietened..

For now.

Its always about you B.

 

Standard