“I Love You”

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I don’t dream of you that often anymore.

But last night I did.

Last night I got to hold you in my arms one more time.

Last night I got to feel your breath on my neck.

For some reason in my dream you were chasing me,

Laughter rippling from your lips

As I fell against the car face down, you circled me with your arms,

You held me captive,

Teasing me with the subtle smell of ‘you’,

Chuckling as your lips tried to get closer to mine

The hairs on my neck standing on end with anticipation of your touch,

Your length trapping me, as you leaned in close to my ear,

And whispered those words I’ve always longed to hear…

‘I love you’

‘I love you’……

My life, in my dreams at least, is complete.

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Letting Go…

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I often wonder why I can’t let you go.

Why I still have contact with you when I know it is over.

Why I still reach out to you…long for you… love you when it is impossible for us to be together.

Perhaps it is because you changed my life.  Forever.  In so many ways it isn’t even explainable.

Perhaps it is because you are my security.  You are my friend.  You are my rock.

Perhaps it is because you are the only man I have ever trusted completely.

Maybe it is the history we share, and the familiarity.  Maybe it is the fact that I hear in you occasionally a longing to see me too.

But more than that….

I don’t let go… I can’t let go…

Because…

In letting go,

I feel as though I am saying our time together meant nothing.

That what we had is dead.

And I can’t cope with that.  It makes us like every other couple that experience the same thing.  It makes us a mistake.  A bad decision.  It makes us something horrible, when what we had was in fact something so incredibly good.

So I hold on, because in holding on, I keep ‘us’.  The ‘us’ that can never be.  The ‘us’ that is forever changed.  The ‘us’ that was two amazing people, in love.

How do you let go when he beckons with every beat of your heart?

How do you let go when you are letting go of everything that holds you together?

I wish I knew the answer…. until I do –  I will continue to hold you in the depths of my soul.

My treasured love.

Its always about you B. ❤

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I Miss You

Hey B,

I miss you.  I miss what we had.  I miss you wanting me.  I miss our friendship. I miss your love.  I miss seeing you.  Holding you. Touching you.  I miss making love to you.

I miss the passion we had.  I miss the way you could throw me around the bed.  I miss looking into your eyes.  I miss getting lost in your embrace.

In all my years there has only ever been one man who has known me like you.  One man who touched my soul and lit my heart on fire.

I miss you every day.  And when I dream of you the pain is greater.  I wish I could tell you how much I miss you, but I can’t.  I can only hope you message me one day.

Its always about you B.  I will always love you.  There will never be anyone who takes your place.

I love you now and always.

💙❤️

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If Actions Speak Louder…

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If actions speak louder than words….

Then I care.

And you don’t.

I am your friend.

But you aren’t mine.

I value time and people.

You value money and only one or two.

So why do I bother?  Why do I try?

I don’t want to be here at all if you don’t want me here.

I don’t want to hurt any more.

But why can’t I let go?

Why can’t I just let you be a part of my past and not of my future.

Its simple really.

My mind plays tricks.

It tricks me into thinking I love you still.

Slowly that love is turning into loved.

Its always about you though B.  No matter how hard I try to move on.

So instead I stay.  Stuck in never never land.

~sigh~

 

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